“Hear ye, hear ye!” Yato stomped a foot on the table, swinging his heavily bandaged arm, and beer can, in a graceless arabesque. “From this day forward, all in the land shall hear the tales of the –hic– god Ya –hic– Yato. A thousand years and more! There will be children’s stories, movies, manga, and epic poems written. Yato, slayer of the… the evil. All the evil, ever!”
Bishamon took a swig from a two liter bottle shochu, and cackled like a witch. “Who’s gonna write this loser a freaking epic?”
“OY! You wanna fight?! You’d be a squeaky reincarnated brat ten times over if it weren’t for me,” Yato shrieked.
“Fight an injured idiot?”
“How about Haikus?” Kofuku squealed.
“Haikus, Binbogami?! I accept the challenge!” Yato shrieked. He cleared his throat, a somber expression descended over his bright-red face. “Everyone listen.”
“Honor the hero
Slayer of all the evil
Let’s drink beer in honor.”
Bishamon smacked the table. “You’re drunk -hic- Trash-god. You can’t even compose a haiku.”
“What?!”
“Yato, that’s too long,” Kofuku giggled. “Lemme try!
Respect the hero!
Yato beheaded his dad
Drink beer in honor!
Yato cheered. “Yes, Kofuku! Perfect 5-7-5 structure!”
Outside at the picnic table, the underage crowd had migrated away from the chaos. Hiyori went pale white, her wide eyes shifting across to Yukine.
Yukine cringed, “She had to go into detail.”
She gasped, hand covering her mouth. “Oh, I’m so, so sorry.”
“No, it’s okay,” Yukine waved in dismissal. “Well, not really, but I wasn’t even thinking about it. I knew I had to, and… Yato did it, really, I’m over it…”
“R…right.” Hiyori directed a nervous smile down at the table. She carefully folded up the bag of potato chips in front of her. “You’re brave, Yukine.”
“Be glad you didn’t see it.”
Another roar of laughter came from inside.
“Should we stop them?” Hiyori asked.
Yukine thought about it. “Nah, let them celebrate. It’s not like gods can get alcohol poisoning. I’m glad it’s all over, and everyone’s still here. Not to mention, Yato’s got a lot of work ahead of him in order to become a well-known god of fortune.”
“You’re not going to let him have a break, are you?”
“Maybe long enough for the bandages to come off. But after that? You know he’s a bum.”
“If he hears you, he might pretend to be injured for weeks.”
“Yeah…”
Yukine looked back inside. Yato was busy counting syllables on his fingers, now composing a haiku about his blessed vessel. Yukine couldn’t express how lucky they’d gotten.
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Yukine allowed a day for Yato to sleep off the alcohol, and then another week for him to regain full mobility. Then it was work.
Yukine wasn’t lying when he said he wasn’t thinking about the head. He had the future to worry about. What was a severed head in compared to Yato’s severed lifeline? Yato was happy to lay in front of the TV and say, “as long as I have Hiyori!”
“Hiyori’s one person. Have you considered the pressure you’re putting on her? Ask her how stressed she was while you were running around with Kazuma,” said Yukine. “Besides, she has her own life to live. She can’t think about you 24/7.”
“Right, right, right.” Yato rolled away from Yukine, typing something on his phone. “I’ll do something.”
“Are you even listening? Give me that!”
“Hey, I’m talking to Hiyori! She hasn’t answered yet—“
Yukine snatched up the flip phone. His complexion darkened as he read, “Hiyori, do you want to have babies.”
“Yeah, Hiyori’s children will also be my followers.” The phone beeped in Yukine’s hand, and Yato came clawing at Yukine’s foot. “What’d she say?!”
“Hmm, let’s see.” Yukine took an unnecessarily long moment to read the message. It was one word. “She said ‘No.’”
“She said no?!”
“What did you think she’d say? She’s still in high school!”
Yukine knew very well that with a goal like making Yato a famous god, he couldn’t rely on other people to achieve anything. Not Hiyori, and especially not Yato. This was his responsibility. He decided to ask around for advice.
Never the less, his first consultation was close to home. An afternoon when Hiyori came to visit, Yukine sat her and Yato both at the table in the living room and gave a pencil and paper to each. To Yato, it was list everything you’ve done so far to try to become famous. To Hiyori, list ways things become famous among humans.
“Come on, Yukine. We’ve got Hiyori. I don’t need to worry,” Yato said, scuttling up close to her.
Hiyori whacked Yato with her pencil. “He’s doing this for you. You owe it to him to be serious.”
Even so, Hiyori did little writing. She stared at the paper, tapping her pencil in thought, as Yato’s list grew.
After about three minutes, Yato had half a page, at which point he flopped down on the table and moaned. “Why do I have to list all my failures?”
“Because we need to see what doesn’t work. What do you have so far?” Yukine reached for the list.
- Delivery God Service
- Grant all wishes
- Graffiti
- Business cards
- Flyers
- Sumo wrestling
- Samurai
- Ukiyo-e painter
- Doujinshi artist
- Record/sell music
- Outdoor Karaoke
- Ninja Impersonation
- Teen Idol
- Modeling
- Streaking
- Hitman
- Mime Performance
- Kabuki acting, female specialty
- Pro Surfing
- Pro Bowling
- Pro Shogi
- Pro Golf
- Public Executioner
- Meteorologist
- Hula Dancing
“You’ve done all this stuff?!” Said Yukine. “And none of it worked?”
“People don’t notice or remember us, Yukine. Except for Hiyori.”
Yukine passed on the list. “Hiyori, what do you think?”
“Hey! I never said to give it to her!”
“I imagine it’s really hard to stay in people’s memories,” Hiyori agreed, accepting the list. Her eyes widened a few times as she read. “Um, Yato, I remember you really well. You don’t have to do this stuff again.”
“So we know none of this works. Hiyori, what did you think of?”
“Well, it’s not much but…” Hiyori pushed out a short list into the middle of the table. Yukine and Yato both leaned in to look. “I mean, it’s not easy to be famous like as a god. Yato’s list sounds like he was trying to get people’s attention in the short term. Even for normal people, if you get people’s attention like that, they’ll still be forgotten, you know? It’s not enough. I think… I think you need to really effect people’s lives in a big way to be really be remembered.”
The following was printed in Hiyori’s neat handwriting.
-emperors/kings/conquering
-Stories….. Mickey Mouse?
-Buildings
“Mickey Mouse?” Yato asked.
“People like characters and stories with appeal, and there’s always some Mickey Mouse celebration in Disney Land. He’s a character for kids and really well known. Gods are kinda like that too, don’t you think? They’re based in mythology that’s passed down from old generations.”
“That… kind of makes sense,” said Yato.
“Yeah, but how would we get Yato to that point?”
“I’m not sure it’s feasible, just … that’s a way to become famous enough. I mean, Yato tried to do all this stuff to be noticed, but nothing worked,” said Hiyori.
“Okay, what about buildings?”
“When I went on a field trip to Kyoto, all my class did was look at old buildings, temples, and shrines. They’re tourist traps because they’ve lasted so long. And newer places become famous too, like Tokyo Tower. Yato, if you can get buildings or your name attached to a building or place, it doesn’t even need to be that famous. People remember it because they go there. It’s part of their life.”
“I always dreamed of a grand shrine—“
“We need a lot of money to do something like that.”
Last mentioned on the list was conquerors. “Historical figures you hear about in history class,” said Hiyori. “The conquers, the greats, the emperors.”
At this point Kofuku slipped by on her way to the kitchen. “Are you talking about making Yato famous like a conquerer?” She thought it was the best option on the list.
“Think of Tenjin!” Kofuku told them. “He became a deity after flooding the old capital and causing hundreds of deaths among the royal families. Really, all Yato needs to do is bring misery and destruction to enough people, and they’ll start praying to him to stop.”
“We’re not destroying anything!” Said Yukine.
Kofuku pouted and left them alone. Yato sighed.
“Why are you acting disappointed?” Yukine snapped. “It wouldn’t work anyways. There’s science and whatever. People would think of a million other reasons bad things happen before blaming you.”
Yato flopped over on the table. “Hiyori, isn’t there an easier way to get famous? Some other popular things?”
“I guess, but most popular things now a days are just fads. A few people will like it, then everyone jumps on board, then they forget about it. I don’t even remember what the fads were last year. I was trying to think long term.”
“But-but-but! If I can get on board with a fad, maybe I can use it as a stepping stone and get to Mickey Mouse level,” said Yato. Hiyori didn’t answer him. “What kind of fads are there now?”
“Something like, memes? YouTube? Halloween is popular now…”
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The more Yukine thought about it, Hiyori was right. Yato’s options were Destruction, Mickey Mouse, or Buildings. Suddenly, Yato’s history of blabbing about a shrine sounded downright reasonable. They needed a lot of money. Therefore, Ebisu was the next person who Yukine visited for guidance.
Ebisu loved making money. He was quick to accept the request, and invited Yukine to his study in his Takamagahara residence. He had only recently passed four feet tall, but he offered the most practical advice. “I think the clearest option for you is investments.”
“Aren’t investments kind of like the lottery? Buy something like bit coin and hope to get lucky? I don’t think Yato would be good at that,” said Yukine. In fact, he was certain they’d be broke in a week.
“No, no, you don’t want to gamble in crypto currency,” said Ebisu. “You need a diverse, well balanced portfolio that will appreciate overtime. Start out with a base of blue chip stocks with guaranteed dividends, utilities for example, and since the economy is in an uptick, perhaps pick a few startups with potential, maybe with a beta of 1.2 or greater, but less than 3. Let me show you.”
And then Ebisu was pulling up company profiles on his computer screen, jabbering away like stocks were the most exciting thing in the world. “I’ve saved copies of recent interim financial statements for analysis here, some are pretty promising,” Ebisu swung his feet in front of him as he opened a file, and the tips of his shoelaces click-clicked on the base of the chair. “Of course, gods and shinki have a huge advantage in terms of longevity, but you still need to watch the NAV for signs of trouble.”
Yukine heard syllables turn into words, and words gather into sentences, all in grammatically correct structures. A small hand shook Yukine’s arm. Eyes too big for their face glistened with worry.
“Yukine? Yukine, are you okay?” Ebisu asked.
Yukine snapped back into focus. “Sorry what?”
“I asked how much liquid capital you have to start with, and your eyes sort of glazed over. Are you feeling okay?”
“Oh, no, I’m okay. It’s just kinda hard to follow.”
“If you’d like, I can have Kunimi bring you a juice box. They come with really cool Power Ranger straws.”
“Ah, no thanks, what were you asking…?”
“Liquid capital? You know, cash or other assets, such as monetary instruments, stocks or bonds, that can be easily converted into cash.”
“Um…Yato isn’t good at saving money, and I think I have almost ten thousand now…”
Ebisu expressed confusion. “Did you mean ten thousand dollars? Are you investing in foreign currency?”
“No, it’s yen.”
“Oh. You’re gonna need more than that.”
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So they needed some more money. Not enough to build a shrine, but enough to set aside to grow. Yukine decided his first goal would be for 100,000 yen. He didn’t think he’d ever had that much money at once. He had never needed that much money. Who ever thought that stocks were expensive?
Yukine set out to squeeze in a few yen here or there. He did chores, went with Yato on delivery god jobs, and peeked in vending machines for forgotten change. Then out of nowhere, they got lucky. Although not among humans, Yato had gained notoriety among the gods, and somehow, word got around that he did odd jobs. Requests started trickling in, and soon, there were 20 to 50 ayakashi in need of slaying every day.
Yukine decided to be Yato’s agent… and arranged fees 100 times higher than the typical 5 yen. He didn’t say anything. It wasn’t like 500 yen was a tough sell, still far below minimum wage, and Yukine found that the cash box he hid at Hiyori’s house was steadily filling up. Three weeks in, he had reached the goal of 100,000 yen.
Yato seemed to be taken in with writing his phone number in weird places and jumping on fads, though. Yukine humored him. They were moving forward on a very long road. They had time.
In retrospect, Yukine should have paid closer attention when they went out to the shopping center, and Yato insisted on buying a pumpkin hat. Or the time he was chatting it up after clearing ayakashi at the farmers market. Or the time he pointed out the newest Halloween limited edition Capybara.
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The first hints of sunshine and an early October chill seeped their way into the attic. The birds were awake, and Yukine’s futon was warm and fluffy. The morning would have been peaceful, were Yato not hovering inches from Yukine’s face signing his name in twelve syllables instead of three.
“Yu-u-u-ki-i-i-i-ne-e-e-e-e! Wake up!” Yato’s eyes sparkled.
Yukine felt beginnings of a cold sweat, hairs rising on the back of his neck. Enthusiasm from Yato never predicated good things, and certainly not high amounts of it early in the morning. Yukine was awake.
“What?”
“Come outside. Wait till you see this!”
Half way down the stairs, Yukine recognized the deep base growl of a commercial truck. Daikoku and Kofuku were already awake and outside. Kofuku leaned into the fence giggling, Daikoku squinting into the sun as he waved to the truck driver.
The driver cut the engine and hopped out. “Howdy, y’all! I’ve got a delivery for Yato. Come on back and I’ll open up the hatch.” The driver waved his cowboy hat for everyone to follow.
Yato came running. “Yeah, that’s me! Daikoku, Yukine, help me unload!”
When the back door opened, Yukine saw red- no – orange. Fat orange gourds, piled up from the floor of the trailer until their stems scratched the roof. In that moment, Yukine knew they filled the whole truck.
Yukine could only gape, between the orange, the truck, and Yato grinning like the capybaras came to town. “What in the world is this? Have you lost your freaking mind?!”
“I had a vision. Yukine, we’re selling pumpkins!”
zamashi 
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